Okay, so one of my birthday presents was The Raw Food Detox Diet book. I pretty much each a raw food diet anyway because I don’t cook. However, I was looking forward to reading about the health benefits so I could relay the information back to my poor mother who shakes her head every time I talk about my favorite thing to make… reservations. I thought the book would mesh nicely with the information I gathered from Skinny Bitch which emphasizes the importance of cutting all meat products and chemicals from your diet. Of course, I was looking forward to getting skinny, too.

 

I’m not vegan or vegetarian, by the way, nor do I have any intention of becoming one but the subject still interests me and I have cut back, especially on dairy and food with a lot of ingredients I can’t pronounce. So, that’s good.

 

Anyway, the book claims you should only eat fruit before noon. I’ve been doing that but I know it isn’t going to last much longer because by 12, I’m ready to gnaw my arm off. It also recommends getting a juicer. You know, the thing you stick $20 worth of vegetables in and then it takes 10 minutes to clean before you can enjoy your beverage. (I’m OCD, I feel a pressing, almost urgent need to clean any kitchen tools before I can consume my creations.)  My sister, Marya, got one for her wedding that she never uses and half-heartedly offered it to me. The more we talked about the health benefits of the Green Lemonade (the thing you’re supposed to drink first thing in the morning) she decided to keep it. I think they cost between $50 and $100, I’m all set.

 

The other thing both books mention is that once you start on this new, clean diet there may be some side effects, acne and…blockage. Can I just tell you? They seem to think it’s normal and okay for everyday folks, like myself, to go see a colonics specialist. Weekly! Are you kidding me? Apparently, a colonic consists of lying on your side with a metal tube stuck in your fanny (it’s “better” than the disposable plastic ones…I highly doubt that) while 25 gallons of water is pumped in then massaged and flushed out. It is suggested you do this multiple times per month for several months. Seriously.

 

Please. I can barely bring myself to pee anywhere other than a comfortable bathroom with antibiotic soap and pretty smelling hand lotion!

 

Needless to say, I haven’t made any significant changes to my diet, mostly out of fear, nor have I gotten any closer to skinny... Who needs that bitch anyway?

Can I just tell you? I got to ride in a Lamborghini today. Very exciting! I stopped by to see a former client with some current information and the next thing I knew, I was heading to lunch in a convertible white Lamborghini with red leather interior. Very flashy, I know. I was beside myself.

 

My love of cars began many years ago with my first car, an ’81 Pontiac T1000. Silver with burgundy interior... Truth be told, it was grey with a maroon pleather interior and covered with duct tape but, the former description always impressed the boys, which always made me laugh (to myself, of course…) because they were so easily impressed.

 

It was, essentially, a Chevette. I loved that thing! My brother gave it to me when I was 19; it was my first car. It never let me down. The door had to be held up and slammed to close and it started without a key. Needless to say, I ALWAYS lost the keys so I rarely locked it. What are you goin’ to do?

 

I got a speeding ticket going 92mph in it. The duct tape flying in the wind must have caught the officer’s attention. Fortunately, the prosecutor had a hard time believing it could go that fast… (That was the last ticket I got out of, UNfortunately.)

 

In fact, I often daydreamed about painting flames down the side and getting a little Red Baron cap with goggles. True story.

 

You know I was thinking about that cap and goggles on the way to lunch!  And, yes, at 36, I definitely would have sported that look if the opportunity presented itself.